Spirit-filled Relationships - Part 2

Ephesians 5:18 is like the wheel upon which all Christians relationships are to turn. From the imperativeness of being constantly, continuously, and clearly being filled with the Holy Spirit, the text flows from the indispensable experience of being filled with the Spirit to the indisputable evidence of that fullness. The evidence is most clearly demonstrated in all relationships that we are involved in and obligated to.

Last week we looked at the Spirit-filled wife and the Spirit-filled husband.  Today we will consider Spirit-filled children and Fathers.

I. The Man of the House and His Children – 6:1-4

A. The Two-fold Command for Children – 6:1-3

1. Obey Their Parents

In chapter 5 we learned that one of the results of being filled with the Spirit is being submissive to one another. We saw that a Spirit-filled wife, for instance, is submissive to her husband. Now we learn that Spirit-filled children willingly submit to the authority of their parents. The fundamental duty of all children is to obey their parents in the Lord. Whether the children are Christians or whether the parents are Christians does not make any difference. The parent-child relationship was ordained for all mankind, not just for believers.

The word that Paul uses for children (teknon) does not refer particularly to young children. He is not just talking about little people - boys and girls. He is speaking to all those who are still dependent on their parents. And he says they are to obey (hupakouo) them and honor (timao) them.

The command to obey ... in the Lord means that children should obey with the attitude that in doing so they are obeying the Lord: their obedience should be as if to Him.

Four reasons are given why they should obey.

First, it is right. It is a basic principle built into the very structure of family life that those who are immature, impulsive, and inexperienced should submit to the authority of parents, who are older and wiser.

Second, it is scriptural. Here Paul quotes Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and mother” (see also Deuteronomy 5:16). This command to honor parents is the first of the Ten Commandments with a specific promise of blessing attached to it. It calls for children to respect, love, and obey their parents.

Third, it is in the best interests of the children: “that it may be well with you.” Think of what would happen to a child who received no instruction and no correction from his parents! He would be personally miserable and socially intolerable.

Fourth, obedience promotes a full life: “and you may live long on the earth.” In the Old Testament, a Jewish child who obeyed his parents did enjoy a long life. In this Gospel Age, it is not a rule without exceptions. Obedience to parents is not always connected with longevity. An obedient son/daughter may die at an early age. But it is true in a general way that the life of discipline and obedience is conducive to health and longevity, whereas a life of rebellion and recklessness often ends prematurely.

2. Honor Their Parents – 6:2, “Honor your father and mother…” Obey has to do with action. Honor has to do with attitude.

To “honor” our parents means much more than simply to obey them. It means to show them respect and love, to care for them as long as they need us, and to seek to bring honor to them by the way we live.

What it means to honor our father and mother may change as we grow into adulthood, but the principle always endures. The adult child does not owe the parent obedience, but they do owe the parent honor.

We can sum up the proper attitude of children to their parents in a three-fold way: (1) by rendering obedience in younger years, (2) support in their older years, and (3) respect through all their years.      

II. The Two-fold Command for Fathers – 6:4

A. Do Not Provoke Them to Anger – “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” At the time of Paul’s writing to the Ephesian believers, it was a totally male dominated society. A father's love for his children would have been extremely hard even to imagine. For example, a father would never take a child by the hand, he would never give it a cuddle! Roman law dictated that the father had virtual life and death powers over his entire household.

He could throw his children out at any time. He could sell them off as slaves. He could make them work in his fields even in chains. He could take the law into his own hands for the law was in his own hands. He could even kill them, and he would be accountable to no one.

A newborn child was placed at its father's feet to determine its fate. If the father picked the baby up, the child was allowed to stay in the home - if the father walked away, the child was simply disposed of. It was as clinical and as cruel as that! Discarded infants who were healthy and vigorous were collected each night and taken to the town forum from where they would be picked up and raised to be slaves or prostitutes.

To this world Paul spoke a revolutionary word about the infinite value of all persons, and the respect parents should have for their children: "Do not provoke your children to wrath." In Cols. 3:21, he adds a phrase to this injunction: "lest they become discouraged." Continuous criticism and rebuke, discipline that diminishes rather than affirms self-worth, breaks the spirit of a person.

One paraphrase, “The Living Letters”, reads, “Don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful.”  The Phillips Translation says, “Don’t over-correct your children.” 

Christian parents need the fullness of the Spirit so they can be sensitive to the needs and problems of their children.

B. Discipline and Instruct Your Children – “but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Notice that Paul goes from a negative command to a positive command. Notice the three actions to which parents are called: bring up, discipline, and instruct.

The phrase "bring them up" does not really do justice to the notion expressed by the verb. Paul used this verb in Ephesians 5:29 in the sense of "providing," "nourishing" (ESV), or "feeding" (NIV). Paul basically says that dads should care for their children lovingly. John Calvin said, "Let them be fondly cherished."

The word “discipline or training” (“paideia” means education, training up, nurture of children, Ephesians 6:4; instruction, discipline, 2 Timothy 3:16; in the New Testament correction, chastisement, Hebrews 12:5; Hebrews 12:7-8; Hebrews 12:11.). It has to do with teaching and education through discipline.  It is a discipline “of the Lord”, which means that it is His discipline, and we are to discipline our children as the Lord would do it.  God has entrusted the responsibility of disciplining children to parents, but it is to be done for the Lord and as the Lord would have it done.  In the Lord, we should never over discipline or under discipline. 

Parents often use the decibel system of discipline, especially mothers.  They start by stating a command, then by asking a dumb question, “Did you hear what I just said?” Then they raise their voice and shout the order again, and finally, the breaking point comes and they scream out the command. When the child hears that certain pitch level, he knows he is in trouble.  Discipline should always be administered fairly, immediately and in love.  Children will respect this approach.

"Instruction" carries the idea of teaching, counsel, admonition, or warning, and perhaps verbal instruction (Stott, Ephesians, 248). "Discipline" involves training, including punishment. Discipline is the word used in Hebrews 12 to refer to our Heavenly Father's discipline of us, which is "for our benefit" (Heb 12:5-11).

In light of what Paul has written about anger (Eph 4:26, 31), such discipline must be under control. The type of instruction and discipline we are to give is "of the Lord." We are to teach Christian instruction and discipline in a way that honors the Lord.

Parents are to discipline with Dignity and Destiny in Mind - Prov 22:6, “Train up a child, i.e., in keeping with his individual bent or gift”(Amplified Bible). Parents must understand that their Heavenly Father's discipline of his children is corrective and not punitive. In other words, it’s discipline in love as a Father and not punishment in wrath as a Judge.

His discipline is always in love (by the way there is no division between love and discipline) for the purpose of moving His children back to Him and not to drive them from him. "Discipline your son in your early years while there is hope. If you don't you will ruin his life." Proverbs 19:18 (The Living Bible)

I close with the words of John Piper: “The ultimate meaning of marriage - the ultimate purpose of marriage - is to dramatize on the earth the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. What we saw last time in Ephesians 5:22-33 was that this flesh-and-blood drama of the love between Christ and the church is the God-designed setting for making children - and for making them disciples of Jesus. These are two purposes for marriage. And the ultimate one creates the God-ordained setting for the other one. Ultimately, marriage is a flesh-and-blood drama of how Christ (dramatized by the husband) loves his church, and how the church (dramatized by the wife) is devoted to Christ. And this flesh-and-blood drama creates the setting - the physical, emotional, moral, spiritual nest - for the other purpose of marriage, namely, bringing children into the world and bringing them to Jesus.”